To Forever More Have My Heart Walking Outside My Body

I posted a link to this particular blog about a week ago and today I decided I wanted to include it in our blog. It is so sweet and really puts into words something that I constantly am feeling everyday as Aubrey gets older and more independent. I wish I could have Aubrey by my side all day, every day; I never like to let her go. Every day when I drop her off to go to work, I feel a little sad and a few times a week I fight back tears when I drive away. I have yet to leave her overnight anywhere with anyone because the very thought of it makes me cry. I can’t help the fact that this is the way I feel, but it’s nice to know that I’m not alone in that feeling. I always wonder when things will get easier emotionally, but maybe they never will. Just like Chantelle says in her blog, no one ever told me that I would have my heart walking outside my body from the day Aubrey was born.


So here is the blog and at the bottom included the link to the original post. I really love her blog site and would recommend it to anyone! Oh and if you can’t tell from the very first line, she’s from Australia. 

I was born to be a mum.

I knew it from the time I was about 8. My dreams for myself as an adult was to chase children around a house, a house filled with laughter. As I grew older I found it hard to choose a career path because I knew I had just one true dream, to fall in love and have a baby.

After a decade of being a nanny and caring for other people's children it was time to have my own. I'd found my soul mate, we married and were ready to become parents.

I loved being pregnant. I dreamed of what she'd look like, holding her, seeing her grow. I kept a journal for my future daughter. I spent my weekends making her room perfect. After nine months of butterflies-in-my-tummy type excitement, I was ready.

The moment she was born, we became parents and we cried. She was here. She was ours.

At that same very moment, I became vulnerable. To forever more have my heart walking outside my body. I watched as each visitor held my daughter, and hoped they nestled her carefully.

That night, due to a dramatic after birth experience, my daughter and I were kept in Intensive Care for monitoring. Having not slept for two days the nurse took my daughter so that I could finally sleep. As I tried to doze off I could hear her crying in a room nearby. Worried, I climbed out of my bed, over the safety railings keeping me in and out into the corridor. I took my daughter back to bed with me, and we both hardly slept the whole night, but I felt content that she was by my side. I felt less vulnerable with her near me.

Almost four years since that day, I still carry my vulnerability. I don't hide it well. I wonder how other mothers do. Just the other day we were at the local paddling pool and as the other parents sat back and watched their children playing in the water, I stood ankle-deep in luke-warm pool water. I hovered over her, making sure she was safe.

No-one ever told me how vulnerable I'd feel as a mum. It wasn't in any of the books I read during that excited nine months of pregnancy. No-one ever mentioned that from the moment I became a parent I'd have my heart walking outside my body, whether I was with her or not. Being vulnerable is beautiful though, as scary as it sometimes may feel.

http://www.fatmumslim.com.au/2012/02/born-to-be.html